Rape:
“unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly…”
—Webster’s Dictionary

How do you know if you’re a victim?

I didn’t feel raped. I felt hurt. I felt shocked. As soon as it was over I was left alone in a pile of sheets that I had ripped off the bed when I was trying to get away.

I said no. I screamed no.

All I heard was laughing.

We had been dating for a few months and I really really liked him. He was so good at making me laugh and I felt 100% myself with him, but something always felt off and he didn’t have the best track record when it came to girls. So I wasn’t ready. I wanted to wait until things felt right.

He had been trying all weekend. I would giggle and say no as charming as I could. I really wanted him to like me.

Our vacation was coming to an end and he was out of time.

So was I.

He closed the door and smiled at me. _What does he know that I don’t? _My eyes left his as I scanned the room. It seemed smaller than it was just 5 minutes before.

He came to kiss me, but he wasn’t gentle this time. He laid his body on top of mine and pinned down my wrists with his hands above my head.

“This should be sexy right? Why do I feel scared?”

I kissed him back while digging my head backwards into the bedding to create some space to breathe. He transferred both of my wrists into one hand to free up the other one to slide down my side.

“Why do I feel nervous?”

He reached to undo his belt and stared straight into my eyes while he did it. His fingers twirled the side of my skirt tight between his fingers.

It all happened so fast.

I quivered a smile and gently shook my head no.

He shook his head yes.

My chest caved in and collapsed on my heart.

I was naked.

I began to squirm out from underneath him, but his firm grip on my pelvic bone did not allow it.

“No.”

It was the first of many no’s.

“I don’t want to.”

He heard me, but he didn’t stop moving forward.

My mind scrambled to rationalize what was happening. _Does he think I’m trying to be cute or playful?

My casual squirm turned into a panicked attempt to escape.

He was so much stronger than me.

I yelled his name. I screamed no. I kicked. I grabbed anything within reach to try and pull myself away. And then it was over. He left the room as soon as he was done. My naked body was left with chills. The room felt so cold. I rolled over on my side and pulled my knees up towards my chest.

What just happened? Was I just raped? No. I wasn’t hit. I wasn’t hurt. I’m not bruised or bleeding. He wasn’t a stranger. I didn’t cry. Maybe I gave the wrong impression? Maybe I wasn’t clear? Maybe I’m just being crazy?

Am I being crazy? It didn’t seem right. I was held down, undressed, and taken while using every ounce of strength I had to pull myself away.

It got worse.

I overheard them outside the door. “I just fucked her.” And then laughter.

I wanted to run out there and scream, “I didn’t have a choice!” But I didn’t. I cowered into a little ball on the bed for the next hour.

When I came out he was sitting in a chair packed and ready to leave like nothing had happened. I felt so unloved. Rejected. Worthless. I was conquered. Just another girl on his growing checklist and now I was trash.

I built the courage to lift my head up and make eye contact with his friends. The way they smiled at me was different than yesterday. They no longer looked at me with respect.

The little girl in me felt abandoned when I needed to be held the most.

**I needed someone to tell me “You’re beautiful and you’re loved.”
I heard “you’re better than that” instead.

I knew I was. He had a reputation as a player who prided himself on getting what he wants with who he wants and no one respected him for it. Once you became one of his numbers, you’re not respected either.

He was charming and a gentleman… Until he wasn’t. _I really thought he liked me.

I didn’t tell anyone. Maybe I should have. Rumors flew and he did not put my name in good light _AT ALL. _It hurt.

It’s painful to be called a slut after you’ve been sexually abused.

I felt lonely, confused, and misunderstood. Why did I feel like damaged goods for a choice I didn’t make? My reputation took a hit and my self love took a hit with it. I went on a few dates, but when they got too close I cringed. My sexuality had gone into hibernation.

Our bodies are meant to be our own. We are raised to believe that we have a choice of what we want to do with our bodies and with who.

So what happens when that choice is taken away? When someone takes from you what you’re not willing to give?

You think things like this:

“Whats wrong with me? If someone can have so little respect for me, then there must be something wrong with me. For someone to be able to damage me in that way and then abandon me, I must be unloveable.”

It was time to make a change.

I didn’t want to gauge my self worth based on how someone else treated me, so I made a choice. If I give guys zero chance then there is zero chance I’ll get hurt.

Celibacy.

I went celibate for a year.

It was liberating, sexy, and healing.

Nothing to analyze. No fear of rejection. No stress.

I could talk to anyone about anything. The hottest guy in the room still had zero chance. This freed up my girlie brain to have great conversations and skip the “what should I say’s” and over exaggerated laughs, because I wasn’t nervous. I had no expectations or agenda. I knew no one had a chance with me and that was empowering. I found my confidence again. I found my self worth.

I dated myself. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I was just me for me 100% of the time for that year. At the end I was no longer broken.

But I was scared.

Scared to date and scared to be behind a closed door unless I was alone.

My first kiss after that year was awkward. I was nervous. Did I forget how to kiss? It didn’t matter, because I didn’t really feel like kissing anyone anyways.

It wasn’t until a cold night in the Sacred Valley of Peru surrounded by candlelight that I found my sexuality again.

I was snuggled up in a sleeping bag with a highly hallucinogenic medicinal tea in my hand. Ayahuasca is an ancient herbal medicine that cleanses your mind, body, and spirit. I was told that you leave the ceremony with the answers that you need.

I looked down at the thick goopy drink. _What answers did I seek? _I chugged it down.

I waited. Seconds ticked by slower and slower until I no longer had a concept of time.

My body went limp and my vision blurred.

The walls began to drip into waves that moved like the ocean until I no longer saw walls anymore. I was in a peaceful meadow surrounded by black silhouettes. _Do I know them?

I felt calm. Even as two of the black silhouettes crawled towards me I felt safe. I knew they didn’t want to harm me.

As they got closer I knew they weren’t human. There was no face, clothes or any type of way to make judgements or form opinions. Only their energy. They radiated with love and good intention.

The clear sky was the most beautiful dark blue I’d ever seen. I felt happy, relaxed and calm. The grass smelled like spring and the cool blades tickled my sides. My muscles melted into the ground. My entire body buzzed as if I had just completed an intense yoga session. Something was happening to me. I had reached a meditative state beyond what is humanly possible. _Was my energy intertwining with theirs? _The creatures? The “its.” What were they?

The mystical black silhouettes softly caressed my leg. I did not cringe as I had done for so long now when I was touched. This time it was welcomed. Wanted. Their touch tingled and the euphoric feeling rippled out to the rest of my body in the same way water ripples out from your fingertips.

The sky was glittered with stars that twinkled down on me and my eyes twinkled right back. A sensation started to grow and blossom inside of me. I could feel the breeze, the earth, the stars, and the black silhouettes who had now lost any recognizable form. They were spirits free from being confined in a body. The spirits wrapped around me like a warm blanket and I was soon completely immersed in a cloud of their energy.

The euphoric feeling I felt initially from their first touch now shivered through my entire body. The sensation inside of me continued to build and started to feel overwhelming. I felt loved. Accepted. Appreciated. I felt sexy. Mystical. Sexual.

And very very aroused.

In that moment I let go.

I let go of all of it.

Every ounce of pain, frustration and insecurity poured out of me. I could actually hear the wall I had built fall down and shatter around me. The sexual woman in me came alive with a vengeance and the little girl in me cried her last tear.

I laid in the afterglow under the shooting stars. All that was left of me was love…

…And forgiveness.

I was light as a feather, floating across the tips of the bright green grass. The cool breeze danced with me and tickled my sensitive skin. Everything around me was thriving with life.

**I was free. I was given back what was taken from me. **

Were they gone? The spirits? I didn’t want them to go. Did they disintegrate into the ground to nourish mother earth and help this grass grow so bright? Are they the shooting stars flirting with me in the sky? Is their cloud of energy this breeze that continues to hold me?

Could they be all of it?

Maybe they never left me? They are now inside my heart to make sure it always beats strong, in my smile so I always hold my head high, and the twinkle in my eye looking for all the beauty in the world.

Or have they been inside of me all along?

The next morning I woke up lighter than I’ve ever felt. I visited with the Shaman and shared my visions and experiences. She smiled. We both smiled.

At one point during the ceremony I had forgotten who and where I was. The hallucinations are so powerful. You become so deeply immersed inside of yourself that you can actually forget who you are. Your dreams and thoughts become a living reality. You are torn apart and it is scary. What doesn’t serve you is discarded and what’s left is who you really are. You’re put back together without any missing pieces.

There is no better way to connect with who you _really _are than an ayahuasca ceremony.

**Celibacy and ayahuasca. The prescription that put me back together.

A few years later I bumped into an old friend that I hadn’t really seen since that trip where I was left alone in the pile of sheets. We grabbed a beer and got to talking. It was good to see him.

He asked me something that put chills down my spine. He had obviously been wanting to ask me this for a long time.

“Did he rape you.”

I was silent. I really didn’t have a good answer. I never classified what happened and rape was such a strong word.

He smiled at me and continued, “I have had 4 girls tell me he raped them.”

I remained silent, but my eyes clouded with tears and my mind with relief.

_**So I wasn’t crazy? It was wrong.**_

He looked at me. His face was gentle. It was kind. I felt understood. I felt respected. It was the facial expression I so badly needed from him long ago on that day I walked out of the room with the pile of ripped up sheets.

And then he put my chin in his hand and said, “You are beautiful and you are loved.”